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The cosmic joke - my first report

Started by seeker, November 15, 2020, 10:34:10 PM

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Thank you Rising Spirit for the warm welcome and the invitation to post my experience reports. This is what I have to share so far.


I am a middle aged woman with several kids and a successful career, history of addiction in teenage years, some depression and anxiety since, mostly resolved now.

I have been seeking non-dual awakening most of my adult life, beginning with Vipassana training in my twenties and continuing with an on and off meditation practice since, several retreats, and voracious reading of any non-dual philosophy I can get my hands on.

I believe in the scientific method yet I can not accept materialism as a logical explanation for What Is. It makes no empirical sense to begin one's search for truth with an abstraction (matter) and try to derive from that abstraction the one and only fundamental experiential reality we have direct knowledge of (consciousness).

I have been using psychedelics as a tool for understanding reality for several years. I have had a number of insights in this way but they generally fade quickly with time and becomes less distinct. Until now.

I have read every book and article I can find on 5-MeO-DMT in the past 3 years and have been seeking this molecule like the Holy Grail in that time. It has taken 3 years to come to me. This was the correct time frame. It never was up to me.

I have read many awakening experiences and had never had one of my own, not really. My deepest, most secret and shameful fear has always been that I was deluding myself, and that perhaps there is actually no Truth that can be known, or that I am for some reason not worthy or capable of knowing it. My terror was that I might die without ever having been absolutely sure of anything.


The experience was at a group retreat facilitated by knowledgeable, experienced guides. We started earlier in the morning with a "toe-dip" via vape pen outdoors, in which my experience was one of gently being drawn along a path of the loss of objects and concepts. The visuals were very gentle, pastel fractals which did not demand any interaction from me. The physical sensation was one of merging into the land and sky; sounds were omnidirectional, light was brilliant through my closed eyelids, and the emotional sensation was reassuring and peaceful, quite the opposite of my experiences with N,N-DMT. I remarked that instead of feeling like a lot of visual, emotional and conceptual content was being added to my perceptual field as with N,N, this was the sensation of content being removed, falling away. I felt there was a path along which I could pass, where less and less would clutter my inner awareness, and that I could see this would lead ultimately to a single point. "I just want to get to the point!" I suddenly quipped, realizing the exquisite pun. I thereafter took another dip with the vape pen and lay face down on the grass, feeling the wind and sun and dirt and reveling in this very animal experience of being a biological being on this beautiful planet. At no time was there any fear or any ego loss. Very gentle.

The event

The main event happened that evening with synthetic 5-MeO-DMT via glass vapor genie in three doses: 3 mg, 6 mg, 12 mg. This was served in a safe indoor setting with two guides and two beloveds accompanying me. Doses were determined by my guides without any input from me.

The 3 mg dose I don't remember anything about. The arc of the 6 mg dose and the 12 mg dose was essentially the same, the symphony described below. After the 6 mg dose I said "don't let me forget this, I won't forget this will I?" It was so incredibly clear, and then it started to scatter and I feared I might forget it so immediately went for the 12 mg dose which delivered the same experience with infinitely more clarity.

In order for the lesson to be received as I received it, it was psychologically necessary to see it as having been orchestrated and delivered by "someone" and my ego, once back online, attributed this skill to my guide. I have since realized that of course she did not orchestrate my inner experience, but to absorb it with the impact I did, that step was necessary. The belief that "she did it" was a bridge to a fuller understanding of what was learned.

The symphony in movements

The deconstruction

As the smoke leaves my lungs and gentle fractals whirl extremely rapidly, awareness focuses into a tunnel heading towards a point. "I've been training for this my whole life" is my last thought in words. Every life experience is instantly seen as relevant then discarded, peeled away, released, its gem of meaning consolidated into the elegant, unified path of understanding unfolding within. All identities released. All self inquiry absorbed. All non-dual intellectual understandings metabolized. All meditation experiences understood. All psychedelic lessons integrated.

The pinnacle

Everything falls away. The sum total of my life's quest is balanced on a tiny, silent pinnacle and there is no further path ahead. A feeling of uncertainty, apprehension, nowhere to turn, what now? A pause.

The void

The pinnacle vanishes. The gem of the sum total of my life's quest silently goes "poof". There is NOTHING. There is NOTHING. There is NOTHING. The sensation is abject. Utterly lost. No one to orient and no experience to orient to. Drifting, writhing, with utter helplessness in the void. There is no coming back from here. It was nothing all along. This is not a metaphor. This is the absolute reality. There is no one to have an emotion but if there were it would be one of existential horror and futility and ultimate aloneness.

The gathering of energy

From the writhing, helpless drifting, energy begins to swirl and grow and gather, colors of deep blue and purple, like liquid metal, swirling in a cosmic whirlpool, pressure growing, all the energies of the void collapsing together with incredible velocity and infinite force. There is something again; that which would orient tries to find the orientation to the rising energy as it grows to infinite intensity and focuses into a single point.

The singularity / the realization / the ultimate irreversible surrender

The energy collapses into a singularity containing all of space and time and awareness, absolute pure reality as it is, utter certainty, the I Am.

Surprise, shock, realization, ecstasy as the single pure shining high note of reality as it is shatters the person, destroys it with joy and no turning back. This is all that matters. This is all that is. Transcendent understanding. Absolute certainty.

All that once seemed important is moot here at the end of the story. Everywhere and nowhere. The understanding is embraced with urgency and abandon. The obviousness is overwhelming. At the core of reality there is ultimate certainty. This is worth every sacrifice and surrender is total.

The supernova of reality as it is

The singularity gives birth to Reality As It Is in a supernova like a cosmic orgasm. Reality as it is without orientation. All prior concepts are seen as pure illusion, laughable, HILARIOUS. The idea that a person's ideas about reality have any relevance to anything at all is FUCKING HILARIOUS. The idea that there is something to be attained is FUCKING HILARIOUS. I get it!! The full force of the joke hits me. The mastery of the set up, destruction and revelation hits me. My guide is holding my hand smiling a smile that confirms for me at the deepest level what I already know, which is this truth can never be unseen, nothing has ever mattered, this is the cosmic joke, and it was masterful. Not a step was missed, not a motion wasted in the execution of this lesson. The impact has destroyed me and I am so grateful and I say to her fiercely "That was PERFECT. You are a MASTER. You are a FUCKING ARTIST."

The fall and the impossibility of anything mattering

Identity returns and it is meaningless. It is HILARIOUS. The idea that the only true thing in existence, once seen, could be forgotten, is HILARIOUS. Everything is hilarious! I laugh and laugh and laugh. Every idea that occurs to me is hilarious. The idea that anything could ever have mattered is hilarious! I laugh and writhe and kick my feet. I feel totally naked now, all lies and self deception are destroyed, because who would lie to whom? How would we ever fake anything? Nothing matters. I am reborn into truth. I am liberated. "Thank you, thank you, thank you" I say. Ideas and concepts are drifting tatters around me and I understand why people act so unpredictable and crazy after they smoke 5. It is impossible to self-censor, there is no one to censor, it can't be done. The "I" that emerges is not the one who went in. Nothing will ever be the same, this is clear. I laugh and laugh and laugh for half an hour at least, my beloveds looking on with love and questions and a bit of apprehension in their eyes. I can't tell them. This can't be told. Only my guide knows. "You are a fucking artist" I tell her again, needing to express this in some way. "I've never had a psychedelic experience like that. That's what I have been looking for. Thank you. Thank you. I'm done. I never need to have another experience in my life. That was it."

The aftereffects

The effect of this destruction has been overwhelming. I was deeply blessed to have an amazing community of chosen family with me on this retreat, who held me as I laughed and cried and was unable to cook or eat or hold a conversation. There are layers upon layers of understandings unfolding. There has been joy and fear and ongoing reactivations, nearly continuously for the first 48 hours after the ceremony, still continuing now 10 days out. This will take some time to integrate. Memory of the event continues to reveal itself and clarity increases each day, unlike every other psychedelic experience I have ever had.

It seems as if every lesson I have ever learned from psychedelics has simultaneously been proven true and yet my original understanding was seen to be completely trivial. All the things I thought I knew, I didn't really know.

One thing I thought I knew is that psychedelics make you honest. This is true, and yet the way I lived this before was superficial, it seems. Previously I had a strong drive to be honest and authentic, but it was still seen as a choice. Two days after this experience I awoke feeling the void, and though I could see everything and use language, I felt I was no longer a person. It seemed clear that the boundaries of the person, the things that make me "me" and not "not-me" are all at their essence lies. I am trying to understand the implications of this for my daily life.

Another thing which was driven home in its ultimate form was the fact that I am responsible for apprehending Truth, myself, without mediation. No guru can come along and define Truth for me. I can not abdicate this responsibility. As a manifestation of the One, it is up to me alone to learn, integrate and trust the Truth that unfolds for me. This also led me to finally realize the thing I had only ever dared to hope before, which is that YES, I can trust reality. I can trust the Universe. The core of reality is trustworthy by definition.

The seeing of Reality As It Is without orientation confirmed something for me with deep clarity that I had understood and yet not understood. It is clear that Reality IS, and this is primary. Previously I interpreted this as something along the lines of "everything is perfect and unfolding as it should, so don't worry" or "life is more fulfilling and joyful when I don't identify with or even create judgements about what IS" but what I saw in the singularity is that these interpretations are entirely beside the point. Reality IS. Full stop. What I think about it, whether I find a way to be happy with some understanding that it's all ultimately perfect or not, is completely fucking irrelevant. Reality IS. I Am That. Does someone here know a way to put this into the English language in a way that conveys the IMMENSITY of this revelation? This is one of the key insights and I'm having a hard time explaining in words why this is so ultimately true and important, even to others at my retreat.

The importance of a safe, loving, trusting container in which to do this work was revealed as essential. I have done lots of psychedelics in my bedroom with my partner, yet I can't imagine doing this work alone, without an experienced guide at minimum. I had total safety with many people to hold me for days, and this I believe was one of the keys to allowing this experience to unfold for me the way it did and needed to. I feel I could have really messed myself up had I acquired this substance on my own and gone for it with the hubris of considering myself an experienced meditator and psychonaut. I am so thankful that did not happen.

Though I said "I never need to have another experience again in my life" I should clarify that of course I know that I will have experiences, and that I want to. If it is possible for me, I will continue working with 5 as long as it will allow me to. But I don't NEED to. The fundamental questions that kept me in fear of death (is there a Reality and can I trust it?) have been answered. I consider myself the most humble and beginning initiate now, but finally I see I am actually on the path I have sought. And if this is the extent of the revelations I get in this incarnation, it is enough. I am eternally grateful.

I have long believed that the quote below is true. I hoped. I trusted... Now I know. Knowing is different.

"You live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. You are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all." - Kalu Rinpoche

(edited to fix formatting which was messed up by copy/paste rendering it unreadable)

Rising Spirit

Quote from: seeker"What I think about it, whether I find a way to be happy with some understanding that it's all ultimately perfect or not, is completely fucking irrelevant. Reality IS. I Am That. Does someone here know a way to put this into the English language in a way that conveys the IMMENSITY of this revelation? This is one of the key insights and I'm having a hard time explaining in words why this is so ultimately true and important, even to others at my retreat."

Thank you for sharing such an inspired and in-depth experience report.  Your capacity for self expression is wonderful.  As to your question, as direct immersion erases one's witnessing subjectivity, however temporarily, I humbly feel that no words can truly convey the immeasurable force and blinding brilliance of such an exalted, supra-heightened state of perception. 

That being said, people do enthusiastically try and however futile it is to speak in dualistic terms of the undifferentiated, indivisible field of the void, the Infinite empty-fullness (Sunyata)...  what else compares in degree of importance?  You did a splendid job describing your path and your revelations.  Thanx so very much!  Namaskar.   _/|\_ _/|\_

There is no self to which I cling, for I am one with everything.


Thanks for the kind words. Of course I do know that the realization I had is that which is pointed to and can not be conveyed in words. It's what I have been aiming for all these years. Once it occurred, it was immediately recognizable and despite this immediate recognition it was also, as I had been warned, not as imagined. As if such a thing could be imagined in advance.

I wish I could share it with others but I find myself reduced to saying things like "Reality IS, don't you see?" and they remain perplexed.

All else pales in importance. Thank you for understanding and validating.  _/|\_


simply fantastic.  very good explanation of your experience. thank you