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Topics - JungleRose

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Introductions/Newbies / Terrifying first bufo experience - integration?
« on: August 07, 2020, 06:42:06 AM »
Honestly, I feel foolish. I'm scared of psychoactives because of a past bad trip so didn't read too much about bufo before smoking it. I pushed past my fear in the hope of developmental trauma healing. Actually thinking I was helping myself.

The bufo was not weighed and it seems I was given a big dose - eyeballed around 100mg. I'm 130 lbs and very sensitive to most substances.

The first few seconds I was conscious and it was the most intense experience of my life (and I've experimented quite a bit). Also terrifying. I then had a white out and spent the next 15 minutes in terror apparently. I only recall a few snapshots. My partner was traumatized by witnessing my terror...

15 minutes in I finally heard the facilitator command "Surrender!" I did a little and briefly focused on a mandala on the wall beautifully glowing.

After the first 20 minutes I was lucid again and intermittently shaking - somatic releasing maybe?

That was about 1 1/2 weeks ago. I've had a few serene reactivations since. Then yesterday I had two overwhelming reactivations of the initial sensation and my tipping point into terror. I was anxious and scared but was able to accept and breathe through them.

Not sure if anyone can help with my questions. I'm left wondering was that experience beneficial to heal my trauma at all? Or did it just give me more PTSD!? Was my terror about the intense trip or was I also accessing/releasing deep early life trauma? Any suggestions on how to get something beneficial from this experience? Did I have too big of a dose to benefit from it?

Also edited to add for 3 days after Bufo I was extremely sensitive and had a few crazy fights with my partner that were uncharacteristic. I'm worried that during my integration phase I programmed my brain with anger and stress at times... Is that accurate or wouldn't matter?

Thank you
Ribbit ;)
(sense of humour still intact thankfully :) )

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