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struggling atheist

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5alive:
I've been a non-believer in anything more than the physical world as long as I could think for myself.  I've been going through a severe depression since last year and began trying many different substances that had scientific studies with use for depression.  Bufo made a huge shift in my well-being for a week after I tried it (the biggest impact compared to anything else I tried).  The afterglow faded, and I've now been using it frequently trying to find happiness within myself.  When I'm on it, I feel like I have all the answers with universal love and a sense of enlightenment, but as soon as I come back to awareness of myself I sense an internal struggle, feel nauseous, and hate how my view of the world seemingly limits my happiness.  I feel like if I believe in god I will just be fooling myself to be happy.  I feel very confused, like I'm uncomfortable being an atheist but also uncomfortable believing in divinity.  I wonder if anyone else has had similar struggles or has any advice?

Handshake:
Using lower doses could help you to stay in touch with the mental constructs that seem to be causing difficulty on a daily basis and may be easier to integrate than the big dichotomy between the expansive divine state and your current challenging experience in your waking state.

5alive:
Thank you for your advice!  I had been using between 50-60 mg toad each journey, but would usually have a period in the beginning that I would have no recollection of.  I tried 45 mg last week, and I still had a period of dissociation of amnesia as well (and the same challenging re-entry of feeling my heart close upon returning to self awareness).  I told myself I would try 40 mg next time, but I'm wondering if I should be jumping even lower?

JaguarWoman:
Hi 5Alive,
I'm curious what's under the depression. What the root of it is.  There is always something.  As for believing in God or divinity...maybe you just haven't met a philosophy that you resonate with as of yet.  I never had any faith in a "man in the sky" who punishes sinners and sends them to hell.  I think we put ourselves in hell.  We ARE the man in the sky.  In so many ways we are the rulers of our lives, our destiny. The challenges and struggles and suffering that we go through actually help us to awaken and to grow. 5 is a very strong medicine. Be sure to integrate your experiences between sessions.  Try writing down your impressions. Things you see in YOURSELF.  In your daily patterns.  Pay attention to your thoughts. What do you say when you talk to yourself?  Pay attention to the world around you. You may notice synchronistic events occurring more rapidly as reality begins to respond to your growing awareness.

 <3 With love,
JaguarWoman

5alive:
Hi JaguarWoman,


it's a situational depression that happened after my husband confessed to being unfaithful throughout our entire marriage, and then asked me for a divorce.  So I suffered betrayal trauma and then his rejection.  I felt something was wrong with me, like I wasn't desirable enough in mind or body.  I got trapped in self pity, negative thinking, and egoic thinking that created more pain and anger in me than I could stand.  This experience has shown me very much how we create our own realities, as I was creating my own personal hell.  Bufo removes my ego and helps me feel a sense of inner peace and joy, but the experience opens up this inner struggle I have with accepting divinity.  I feel compelled to keep working with it to both help me move through my pain and depression, and to find a connection with the world that only Bufo has shown me to exist.  I have been journaling after each session, and I've started to meditate again.  I am hoping that with this work, I become a person embodying the qualities of those who inspire me.  Thank you for your kind words and advice. <3

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