I start by doing a little breath work to calm my nerves. She lights it. I exhale and then slowly start to start to inhale. She coaches me through. I close my eyes, cover my nose and mouth and lay back. She counts down from 10. She probably made it to 8 before I lost my hearing. The blackness turns to liquid blobs for a second or two and I know its working. Then BAM!!!
It was instant psychosis. My brain felt like it was spinning around in my head. I could see a trace of her face and hair above me as my brain was thrashing around. My first thought was this is way too strong and I'm in way too deep. My second thought was she was a witch and she had poisoned me. And she was going to steal my soul for all eternity. The onset was too violent to be afraid though. These were just facts that I was taking in. This lasted mere moments as I dissolved out of this portion. I suppose this was the death experience. There was no fighting it and I don't recall trying to surrender, it just took me. Then a bright light appeared I was peacefully being pushed through a cloud. I believe I made to the other side of a void but that part of it was a little hazy.
She had some rattles, tambourines and a bowl to enhance the experience. The next part is what I consider to be my rebirth. I hear a ding and wake up. Then a rush of energy overwhelmed me. I was in a vortex of auditory hallucinations and every nerve in my body was exploding with cosmic orgasms. One after the other it was unrelenting. I was writhing on the floor with pure ecstasy. I was screaming and laughing with ancient primal joy. My legs were kicking and arms flailing in full exorcism mode. I was touching and caressing every part of my body with my hands. I remember thinking I have never made these sounds before. Massive vibrations and energy were pulsing through my body as I released years maybe thousands of years of pain. It felt like a helicopter was passing from my toes up to my head and then back down again. Thinking back I can only assume this was me being released from the womb and feeling the world with all my senses for the first time. There were no visuals but from time to time I would see the floor for a split second completely sober and then get sucked back into the experience. It was like a little head massager times a billion.
After a while I left this experience. I was lying face down where my feet started at the beginning of the experience. The shaman grabbed my hand. She said, "I'm here." I look up and the back wall shot backwards. She then said, "Breathe." My head collapses, I leave my body. I'm in a perfect meditative pose being pulled upwards. I can see the room and the shaman. I take a breath and it is pure electricity. The walls breath with me. Massive vibrations leave me uniformly as I exhale. They vibrate the walls and the air. The shaman is sitting there. She is glowing with soft golden light. She is happy for me. Maybe she was me. Maybe I was the walls and the air. Although I did feel some sense of seperation from these things. It was pure bliss. Pure intense bliss that had an element of fear. I was a ball of intense cosmic energy. I make ohm and ahh sounds that leave me like a giant fog horn that vibrates the air and the walls. I believe I said at some point you are beautiful, this is perfect. I can feel the drug starting to wear off a little but still in this space. I remember telling myself I am never doing this again. Even though I was experiencing total bliss it was just too damn overwhelming and kind of a mind fuck in the moment.
I wake up and look around. Im a little buzzy. I look at the shaman and say, "what the fuck was that?" I start laughing and beating my hands on the mat and then start crying. It was beautiful, primal, terrifying and glorious. As I come out more and more we start to talk. Then I start to feel a little weird and nervous about knowing what I did and thinking, did I do something really fucked up that I can't remember? She told me I didn't struggle and I was like a little kid and she seemed amused and happy for me. We talked about the experience and each others lives for a good thirty minutes. I was bouncing off the walls with joy as we talked. I asked her how long I was out. She said 15 minutes. I was amazed. It didn't feel like eternity per se but all aspects of time had escaped me and it felt a lot longer than fifteen minutes. It was time for me to go. My friend was waiting outside of the building. He looked white as a ghost with nerves. I walked up to him with a big smile and gave him a hug and said, You're going to do so great!"
The rest of the day we were both in awe and had a peaceful warm glow to us. We would just look at each and say, "What the fuck!" The sense of peace lasted for days. Since I was young I remember this negative feedback loop in my head. It told me I wasn't good enough and I only deserved love when I accomplished something. This stopped. This was the first time I loved myself for just being. It was about five days later the first negative thought entered my brain. I noticed it immediately, grabbed it and pushed it away. Before this I would have disrupted sleep at night. I would wake quickly and have a sense of panic almost every night. Now when i wake up at night I calmly just stare at the ceiling until I go back to sleep.
I slowly started to learn things about myself and world that I was completely ignorant of. I am not the thoughts in my head. I am not the voice in my head. I am not a collection of perceptions. I come from a different place. I come from the heart and the life force that is inside of me. This force and peace have always been inside me but it was buried and locked away from me. I built these walls myself and the medicine gave me a glimpse of what was inside and who I am.
One of the things I was scared of before doing this was confronting my demons. I learned through this experience that all my demons were made up by me. They were nothing and they don't exist. I deserve love and I am love. It is still revealing stuff to me. It is truly 15 years of therapy in 15 minutes. I look back on the trip as death, rebirth, a giant release of pain and then eternal peace with the universe. Sounds insane typing this but in the moment and for days it was a complete mindfuck. And I slowly started to put the pieces together and this is what I've come up with.
The shaman was amazing. She never told me what to take from the experience. She only asked that I receive the information. This is my own journey. She told me she takes 5 meo once a month to stay connected to the experience and everytime gets a little nervous beforehand. I can't imagine how painful a bad trip on this would be. That is why I may never do it again but I'm so happy that I did it. Before doing 5 meo I would never use the language that I used in writing this ie cosmic, ancient, primal, joy, life force when relating to myself but now they all make sense to me. Safe Journeys!