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Messages - 5alive

Toad Experiences and Testimonials / Re: struggling atheist
September 16, 2019, 09:38:59 PM
Hi JaguarWoman,

it's a situational depression that happened after my husband confessed to being unfaithful throughout our entire marriage, and then asked me for a divorce.  So I suffered betrayal trauma and then his rejection.  I felt something was wrong with me, like I wasn't desirable enough in mind or body.  I got trapped in self pity, negative thinking, and egoic thinking that created more pain and anger in me than I could stand.  This experience has shown me very much how we create our own realities, as I was creating my own personal hell.  Bufo removes my ego and helps me feel a sense of inner peace and joy, but the experience opens up this inner struggle I have with accepting divinity.  I feel compelled to keep working with it to both help me move through my pain and depression, and to find a connection with the world that only Bufo has shown me to exist.  I have been journaling after each session, and I've started to meditate again.  I am hoping that with this work, I become a person embodying the qualities of those who inspire me.  Thank you for your kind words and advice. <3
Preparation and Integration / Re: toad skin?
September 11, 2019, 06:04:31 PM
I think I'll take him back to the desert and bury him in his home.  I've felt a little strange with him in my house since I took him from the road.  I may not go back until next year, so maybe I'll make a little alter for him until then.
Toad Experiences and Testimonials / Re: struggling atheist
September 11, 2019, 10:38:17 AM
Thank you for your advice!  I had been using between 50-60 mg toad each journey, but would usually have a period in the beginning that I would have no recollection of.  I tried 45 mg last week, and I still had a period of dissociation of amnesia as well (and the same challenging re-entry of feeling my heart close upon returning to self awareness).  I told myself I would try 40 mg next time, but I'm wondering if I should be jumping even lower?
Are you dealing with depression, or just depressed that you didn't have a major perspective shift or afterglow?  I would try again, as each experience can be different depending on what mindset or intention you bring. I have had 2 re-entries that we're emotionally challenging and unsatisfying and I took a second dose at that moment and the second experience was better for one of the experiences (the same for the other). I've also noticed how my emotions change in the days following each experience, so stay reflective and aware as you process your experiences.
I have been struggling with the same frustration Celestino. I have taken 10 journeys this year with toad. I feel like I have all the answers to peace and bliss at the peak and as soon as I come back into awareness I start feeling uncomfortable with the mind I return to which questions the interpretation of the mystical experience. I want to believe in something more than the physical but I psychoanalyze my experiences to the detriment of my happiness. I've heard stories of atheists converting with one experience, but my scientific mind seems harder to crack. I guess that is the work I need to do in between, in addition to being accepting of myself and patient with my process.
Toad Experiences and Testimonials / struggling atheist
September 05, 2019, 11:10:44 PM
I've been a non-believer in anything more than the physical world as long as I could think for myself.  I've been going through a severe depression since last year and began trying many different substances that had scientific studies with use for depression.  Bufo made a huge shift in my well-being for a week after I tried it (the biggest impact compared to anything else I tried).  The afterglow faded, and I've now been using it frequently trying to find happiness within myself.  When I'm on it, I feel like I have all the answers with universal love and a sense of enlightenment, but as soon as I come back to awareness of myself I sense an internal struggle, feel nauseous, and hate how my view of the world seemingly limits my happiness.  I feel like if I believe in god I will just be fooling myself to be happy.  I feel very confused, like I'm uncomfortable being an atheist but also uncomfortable believing in divinity.  I wonder if anyone else has had similar struggles or has any advice?
Preparation and Integration / toad skin?
September 04, 2019, 11:19:48 PM
I found a bufo toad that was tragically hit by a car (he was already completely dried up like jerky, so it must have happened weeks ago).  I felt so sad for him and took him home with me, but now don't know what to do with him.  My inclination was to bury him in my backyard.  I've read online that you can smoke the skin of the bufo toad, but it seems like too much of a violation to cut him up.  I didn't know if anyone has tried this or has any advice?
Introductions/Newbies / Re: Oppurtunity
August 31, 2019, 04:44:30 PM
That is the same price I paid. For me it was worth it.
Introductions/Newbies / Hello Hive
August 26, 2019, 03:56:42 AM
Hi Everyone!

I have battling depression for the past 10 months and tried many many substances attempting to heal (ayahuasca, iboga, rapé, San Pedro, mushrooms, ketamine, mdma). I felt I was broken and just needed to go on antidepressants to numb the pain. A major shift happened when I did bufo and I finally feel I am on the path to happiness. I've done it 6 times so far, about every 2 weeks. I am nervous every time I do it, but I really feel the call to keep working with it to help me be the beautiful person I hope to be. I am so grateful to have found this transformative medicine! <3