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Topics - SeekingEnlightenment

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I am a spiritual explorer who studies religion and practices daily meditation--especially loving kindness. I am reading in nondual consciousness teachings and doing meditation to bring the awareness I had during my 5-MeO journeys into daily life.

My experiences with 5-MeO have shown me what life is all about--love, and who I really am as a being--infinite consciousness. I'm trying to live in light of those experiences--I know I will be forever changed spiritually, and that's what I want. Yet, physically, I am struggling. I'll tell you my experiences and perhaps others here can relate and help me understand how to keep integrating spiritually and normalize my experience of my body again.

In May I had my first experience with 5-MeO. The proportion of 5-MeO must have been off in our Bufo venom: no one else in the group had more than a strong body buzz. I had much more than that. I laughed and cried and basked in boundless love. Though I never lost awareness of being in my body in that room, it was the most beautiful experience of my life!

I'd never been so happy or felt so much love. And that's how I realized that the greatest happiness in life is love--that loving is the path to happiness.

I began applying this life lesson and for a few months afterward I was full of energy, and my loving kindness meditation reach new heights. I only fell off that high plateau when I hit a long period of infections and emotional side effects of medication.

Just over a week ago I decided to try again, with a synthetic and a higher dose. A friend gave me 15 mg, telling me it was a "low average" dose. I held my breath extra long, from what he described, and then...I was gone! I experienced the utter annihilation of my ego, a boundless, infinite consciousness--being God. I was gone for like 15 minutes.

Coming back was jarring. I had moments of bliss, but mostly intense overstimulation in my body, nausea, anxiety, involuntary jerky movements (flailing my arms), nonsense sounds coming from my mouth.

That night I couldn't sleep--not till the next night. And then my sleep was some of the most confused and disturbed of my life. Every night except one, a couple nights ago, I'm waking during the night anxious, and usually not sleeping very long. During the day I have intermittent periods of anxiety, over-stimulation, and dry mouth. It is intense enough and unpredictable enough to be a little crazy-making.

I am apparently sensitive to this chemical ( - when others in my group had no significant experience last spring, I had the most profound of my life). The dose I was given was not as low as my friend thought it was, of course. And it seems to have been way too high for me.

I'm worried about how long it's going to take for my bodily experience to normalize again. The sleep deprivation is really affecting me. After my beautiful first experience with no side effects, the intense and extended side effects this time have blind-sided me.

I don't know how to reduce the over-stimulation in my body. It has definitely decreased over the past week, but only slowwwly and irregularly. And I don't know how to sleep normally again.

My two experiences with 5-MeO are absolutely unparalleled in my life. I want to carry the awareness of boundless awareness into my moment-by-moment life and live in light of who, or what, I really am. It will be months before I would try 5-MeO again, and then I am planning on trying maybe 3 mg.

I want to know how to integrate this experience more fully into my life. And I could really use insight on how long the physical after-shocks might continue, and how best to calm them and go on with ordinarily physical life (like sleep!).


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