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Messages - Doc Gooden

#1
     I'm 5 days past my first toad medicine experience. It was an emotionally traumatizing experience (one I'm glad I did and will do again, but one I was not ready for at all). I was numb the first day and a half. The second night I woke up deep inside a reactivation. All the memories of the journey returned that I had repressed. I was frightened. "what did I do to myself" "am I changed forever" "it won't ever let me go" etc.  Also returning were some of the enjoyable physical sensations which I could allow myself after I had read a ton of online material, especially the reactivation guidelines. Thereafter however I was plagued with the sense that I could not fully come back, that part of me was caught there. I was distracted, emotionally labile, obsessing over the details of the journey, who said what, what happened next. I felt like I had to account for the experience so I couldn't/wouldn't let it go--didn't really want to let it go. I would burst into tears easily and then just as easily the sadness would disappear.
     The biggest help was seeing a shrink, a reintegration specialist recommended by the provider, who works specifically with helping people make full use of their psychedelic experiences. A very very experienced and kind and solid guy. What I needed was to sob deeply. The rug of my world/reality had been pulled out from under me and I had some mourning to do for my lost world and my lost sense of self (I know this sounds dramatic), and some mourning for letting go of the toad experience itself. The large emotional release was critical for me to find a bridge between the experience of the medicine and my every day life--it is still a work in progress. There continues to exist this gulf between what I experienced and what I can tell my friends. I also got some GABA which I find has been helpful. It has given me the confidence to sleep--which I had been a little bit afraid of doing, letting go into relaxation. The experience has preoccupied my thinking whenever I've had downtime. I've had intrusive thoughts when I was in the midst of something else. Its been a slow return to reality primarily facilitated by emotional release to someone I trusted and who was "in the know." Caffeine and rhodiola have been quite activating.
     In my moments of loving the experience I have invited family to do it again with me. Then a few hours later changed my mind and disinvited the. I'm still a bit all over the place but its slowing down considerably. Just writing this has been fun and helpful....DG
#2
Thanks I will post my experiences there in replies.....DG
#3
I appreciate the gift of what this stuff has done for me but its also scaring the fuck out of me right now.


I want to thank whoever for creating the reintegration guide which has been a bit of a bible.


Never so alive before...but fuck me