Author Topic: horror trip  (Read 471 times)

Offline shari

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horror trip
« on: July 30, 2022, 02:05:35 AM »
Hi all,


I feel the need to talk to people who had a similar experience as I did as I find this hard to place/digest.


I've had overall little experience with psychedelics.  I only smoked weed a few times in my life and tried some San Pedro mescaline and a mix of syrian rue and acacia (pharmahuasca?) that gave me some hallucinations and back and forth being thrown in between a feeling of a more severe state of depersonalization and more emotional states.


Anyways, not so long ago I stumbled upon 5 meo DMT on the web and was intrigued by its potential to use as a tool for (permanent) enlightenment.  I even read some reports of people who weren't enlightened from it but one person got cured from depression and another from depersonalization, so even just for therapeutic purposes I was interested as I have like a chronic but low level of depersonalization (had it all my life but experienced a worser degree on weed and pharmahuasca which went back to 'normal' when the substance was out of my system).


So I read as much as I could find on 5 meo DMT.  Mostly good reports, but also some bad and of course the terrifying reports on ego death, which made me have my doubts of trying it as many others have expressed as well before doing it.


I watched Leo Gura's video's and several with Martin Ball as well.  I decided to plug it as it seemed recommended as 'better' because the come up is a little slower than vaping and the duration longer and also I was going to do it alone because I have no trip sitter and vaping seemed more dangerous to do alone in case I wouldn't have enough time to safely put the lighter and bong down.   


First time I tried it, I didn't even have a proper scale but was too excited to wait and tried a small amount comparing it to Leo's plugging method where he showed an estimated 30 mg with salt as substitute, so I made sure I had less than that.


I experienced nothing close to ego death, but nonetheless it was positive.  It felt like a synthetic version of oxytocin and gave me a really nice deep body relaxation and made me caress and hug myself all the time, telling myself how much I loved myself, lol.


I could see how this could have therapeutic potential as it gave me some nice after effects as well, still kind of feeling the relaxing body load some days after.


So about a week later I had my mg scale and decided to go for a bigger dose.  Please don't judge me but I took a weighted 39 mg.  In hindsight I have to wonder why, because Leo said himself that 30 mg rectal was already too much for him.  Maybe, it was the combination of feeling like I didn't take enough last time and at the same time not knowing exactly how much I took, being excited to experience eternal love / enlightenment / having read other reports of going up to even 100 mg via the plugging method (I think there's also more factors at play with this method that can give a very different outcome in terms of strength depending on how empty your bowels are, whether there is still some leftover in the syringe and what not..) and thinking I've done enough affirmations that I was going to have a good trip.



After inserting it, I lay on my bed. I had some nice meditation music playing with a solfeggio frequency in the background, but things went terribly wrong.  I experienced what I could only define as eternal madness :'(
During the come up, I remember my mind just completely felt overloaded and felt like it was going through some mindblowing shit that I couldn't really place what was happening. I thought I had screwed myself forever and that I was stuck in a state of eternal madness/ crazyness from stupidly taking this little bit of white powder up my ass that made me even not feel human anymore.  It was like everything was constantly collapsing into itself as myself into a forever crazy mind that also went along with extreme annoyance. 


When I came back to my senses, I remember thinking (or saying?) I need love, I need compassion please.  I was no longer on my bed. I was on the ground and below me, was my vertical shaped mirror that initially was standing against the wall at the end of my bed which I must have knocked over. Other stuff was also on the floor that wasn't there before I laid down. My underpants that I had pulled back up before laying down were on my knees and 1 leg still on the bed. Surprisingly the mirror was not broken, but I could have wounded myself severely. I'm 'glad' this experience didn't last longer than an hour.   Who knows what would have happened if it lasted for 12 hours (as I know some other psychedelics last that long).  I was obviously not aware of my body nor my physical surroundings. I don't know if I screamed in terror for an hour, I was alone, but I don't think a trip sitter would have been able to help..


I can not possibly understand how my mind can even go into such as state and I was wondering if there are souls who experience this for eternity?? Does God have a handle on this? Does God have the power to take itself and souls (as part of itself) who end up there out of that unimaginable horror I ask myself?   I feel deep compassion for whomever is labeled 'mad' in psychiatric institutions. I can only hope nobody experienced what I did.  Whilst we often hear people say 'I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy', I often think, nah you'd surely enjoy the sweet revenge if you did it, because right now you're just experiencing yourself as a victim which is typical for victims to say such things and forget how they are just as much the perpetrator (at least everyone has that side in their personality as well).  But this, I can not possibly wish upon anybody as this wasn't just hell, or just madness, but eternally so and can not be compared to any other hellish experience that I know of on this earth. At least, we know that here, there is an ending to horrible experiences the moment you die or at least I hope everyone goes to heaven after they die.


I remember reading someone commenting that God is infinite love, but also infinite suffering.  At the time, it made sense to me, intellectually, because how could eternal love exist without the opposite?
But having experienced what I previously could never have imagined in the way it happened, I'm not so sure anymore about my beliefs about 'God'.  Btw I never believed in a religious sense, but more that God is a state of consciousness that is all pervasive, all-loving, all-knowing and all-powerful and that is all that is and that is who we are at our core, but I didn't experience that.


A lot of things that people experienced on this substance in the extreme positive way, I too experienced but then as the complete other end of the spectrum such as in these phrases:


'nothing can prepare you for this' Check.
'you won't even know the couch/bed you're laying on exists' Check.
'words can not describe what I experienced' Check.
'I no longer was myself' Check
'completely mindblowing/mind shattering / blows your previous beliefs out of the window.' Check
'I felt infinite (love') Check when it comes to the feeling of infinity/eternity, but then in a hellish like state as opposed to heavenly.


I can not possibly try this substance again nor recommend it to anyone, it's too risky and the fact that we're dealing with milligrams, it's so easy to overdose on it.  I know, I took too much anyways, but please don't judge because I'm really traumatized by this.  Anybody can relate?  Thanks  :'(

Offline shari

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Re: horror trip
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2022, 02:14:21 AM »
I see there is some text missing in my original post.


Above the phrases that I checked, should be:

A lot of things that people experienced on this substance in the extreme positive way, I too experienced but then as the complete other end of the spectrum such as in these phrases:

'nothing can prepare you for this' Check.
'you won't even know the couch/bed you're laying on exists' Check.
'words can not describe what I experienced' Check.
'I no longer was myself' Check
'completely mindblowing/mind shattering / blows your previous beliefs out of the window.' Check

'I felt infinite (love') Check when it comes to the feeling of infinity/eternity, but then in a hellish like state as opposed to heavenly.


Offline shari

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Re: horror trip
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2022, 02:26:58 AM »
Also I forgot to mention a symptom I noticed when coming back to my senses which was a lot of foaming (saliva) out of my mouth. I googled it and read it can happen with a drug overdose.  I didn't feel a crazy heartbeat or too much sweating though when I came out of it.


I haven't been able to sleep last night (I did it yesterday evening). I hope this will improve. I feel some type of after effect as if my mind still sometimes has a tendency to go into that 'collapsing ugliness' tendency but very mildly so or maybe it's just the sheer memory of it that still haunts me a little.   


I hope it will improve and I'm not sure if I need a therapist after this...


I read elsewhere that Martin Ball experienced insomnia for some time.  I don't know if he still does?  I also heard Leo Gura say in a more recent video he has some chronic illness.  Not sure if it's related to this drug use.  I think they both did a fair amount of it. It honestly makes me think I much rather go for the slow, natural method of becoming enlightened through the old-fashioned meditation method.  I feel a bit scared of intensity coming up too fast.  I'm sure that even if I did it again and had a positive trip, I'd have a harder time surrendering to even love feelings.   I don't want to ditch the positive side that others experienced but I feel the negative potential is under highlighted and what do we really know about potential long term effects as it seems this drug is still quite in its experimental stage..?






Offline shari

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Re: horror trip
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2022, 03:58:11 AM »
Ok, I need help.


I feel like I'm happing a psychotic episode right now.


What suppelments help?


Does Somethng like xanax help or makes it worse?

Offline Rising Spirit

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Re: horror trip
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2022, 08:34:28 AM »
I am so sorry that you've suffered so much from your 2nd experience with 5-MeO-DMT.  And I wholly agree, you imbibed far too much of the sacrement.  Too much of any medicine is never good for the voyager's growth curve.  My only advice is to gradually ground yourself within this material realm and gently integrate your personal orientation to ordinary life again.  Prayer and affirmation are cathartic too.  There are a number of methods to firmly touch down:  Hatha yoga, Qi Gung, diet and nutrition, trail running, swimming, hiking in the mountains or walking by the seashore.  Sending you waves of love and heartfelt, healing vibes.   _/|\_ _/|\_
There is no self to which I cling, for I am one with everything.

Offline shari

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Re: horror trip
« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2022, 03:04:32 AM »
thanks rising spirit, I appreciate it! I've been doing breathwork now. I have some fear of death after this horror trip that I previously didn't have...I believe we keep creating our own reality after death as well, but it's difficult to shake off the realness of that experience...

Offline HumbleVoyager

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Re: horror trip
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2022, 01:47:16 PM »
Hello Shari,

Thank you for sharing your experience here and asking for help.

I encourage you to continue posting and sharing here on these forums as much as is helpful to you, and I also want to offer you some resources that might be helpful to you in this process of recovery from a really big and difficult experience.

If it is helpful, I'd like to share that at one point with Ayahuasca I had a similar kind of horror trip that shook me so deeply to my core it took about a year to "recover". I spent much of that year contemplating my relationship with death, with other people, and with what I wanted to do with my life. For me, making art, doing yoga, hiking, talking with a therapist, talking with friends, and simply giving myself time were the most helpful ingredients in the healing process. When I look back on that experience, I would say that there are aspects of it that still scare me, but for the most part I am now grateful for being confronted with my deepest fears and for the time in "ordinary consciousness" to be with those fears while I'm alive.

I would agree with Rising Spirit that you took a very high dose of 5-MeO-DMT and what you're describing seems to be in line with very high dose experiences with psychedelics in general. One of the things that drove me to create this forum was to help prevent people from following the example of people like Martin Ball or Leo Gura who really push for the "Big Experience" and often miss the value in subtlety and in progressing slowly.

The good news is that the experience is over, and the overwhelming consensus of people who have had massive doses of 5-MeO-DMT is that with time they felt like they were able to come back to peace with the whole experience and with themselves.

Some resources that might be helpful to you:
https://firesideproject.org/ - This is a free hotline where you can talk to peer support people about your experience or the difficulties you're having after your experience.
https://psychedelic.support/ - This is a directory of licensed practitioners who are knowledgeable about psychedelics who can help support your process.
https://relationshipispsychedelic.com/ - An integration provider who has extensive experience with 5-MeO-DMT and has helped people integrate experiences similar to yours.