Well, you are reading right as to
what I was told I had. I'm sorry that I wasn't clear, poor communication on my part.
Let me explain-several years ago, when I was just deciding to begin working with psychedelics as a last-ditch effort to stop my life from completely falling into the abyss after years of addiction, depression, suicide attempts etc (if you're truly interested about it, I'll link this to my blog- my essay from one on 5meo called
Why Venom Now is in the articles subforum here- I don't keep consistent avatars across forums but I do contribute to a couple quite often.)
The substance I was seeking was n,n DMT, having read a bunch on it, and having experienced it years before in my deadhead days. I felt it could help get me back in touch with the part of myself that addiction and traumas had so thoroughly wounded. The very first person I asked brought me a vial the next day with what he said was .25g of n,n in a salt form. It was very small, and a wettish very fine crystal. I can't remember if the entire lump was the size of a grain of rice, or my doses were. Awesome clarity, I know.
It was NOT n,n DMT, so it very well may NOT have been 1/4 gram. I only found out what it was after I did it and was quite surprised as it was nothing like I'd read about.
I wanted to get the most out of it and being comfortable with needles, dosed it as I said, having determined that that would be a good IV dose of n,n for my body weight as per the information in Strassman's book.
Let me also explain, as the behavior I describe really doesn't reflect upon the way I operate now. I was completely alone in this endeavor, I had no "psychedelic' friends and no real knowledge of the whole thing that is going on. Since then Ive made alot of changes and grown considerably as a person, if I am able to say that myself.
So, to avoid getting into the whole long story-I've written ALOT about it and continue to do so- it turned out to be 5meoDMT HCl, and since that was so wildly misrepresented, then IDK about the weight.
The thing is, when I did IV the theoretical 50mg, I experienced death. In the most concrete terms I could imagine. I felt my heart thud to a stop after shuddering, and breathed out, unable to breathe back in, and it just went out...and out...and out...and out...I visualized it as a puddle of water expanding from my now prone body, soaking into the earth, returning as my spirit was drawn out and shot through the tunnel into the Pregnant Void. I do not know- I was alone, but I may have died on that floor. Whatever the dose, it was large, and 5meo has stories linked to it involving tragedies if I'm not mistaken.
Allowed only a minor glimpse that was nonetheless shattering and fully life-changing; transformative in every sense, I began a long arduous and mistake filled path to put the pieces back together into a better whole, something I feel I've been very successful in doing so despite monumental challenges along the way.
So, that was about five years ago. During that time I've made all kinds of major changes, I'm in recovery and work with homeless teens and developmentally disabled adults, am pursuing my art as a career at the age of 48 like never before. In that time, with the help of the psychedelic path I've developed for myself I've overcome the self loathing that comes from neglect and trauma and now foster self love that was so sorely lacking throughout my life and that led to 20 years of heroin addiction, homelessness, jails, professional criminalism and the like.
Anyway, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go on so long. Obviously, I have a long way to go. I actually thought that folks reading the OP would have familiarity with that story because a couple other members here do. (Jeez, sorry, I took care of that raging ego, a little blood...sugar always helps.) But I understand that some might read the OP and be stunned, and not realize that my intent and practice is solid.
I'd like to explain the current circumstance to those with any interest, as it is the same kind of fortuitousness that brought me into the presence in the first place. I think that this shit initiates YOU, it seemed to be there for me without me even knowing I needed it, saying "here you need this, not that", and after subsequent exploration of hyperspace with DMT, that is the case. Dying saved my life.
So, that experience five years ago, and the several IM experiments that followed, began this important work, but I feel that there is a big step that was not completed that first time that needs to be done. I have been doing all the work over this five years in preparation for that time and it seems to have come.
I of course wont go into details, but I have found myself supplied with another small vial. The circumstances this time are quite different. I have lost pretty much every one close to me in the last two years, my two closest friends, my father, and finally last week, my mother died. I don't know, and it makes me feel very weird to say this, but I know that nothing happens without reason, and the timing for this is significant.
After the eclipse (that went over my city) bisected literally this ideologically divided country, a hurricane sat over the location where my mother died for an entire day, less than a week after her death, at the same time fires set by asshole teenagers have blanketed my town in ash on the other end of the country. In between, earthquake and floods ravage the southwest and Mexico. My entheogenic milestones always seems precedented by some crazy shit. Watching TV while reducing vinegar cooks during my first ACRB soup making experiment, I saw the news that a meteor had exploded over Chelyabinsk Russia and that the Pope had quit his job. Whoo boy, gonna be a weird day...
Okay, I'm rambling. I just wanted to let yall know where I'm coming from, so that you know the information I seek is being done so in a respectful and responsible manner.
My writing on the subject, and a blog with other creative efforts:
https://wordpress.com/view/thepracticaltripper.wordpress.comhttps://wordpress.com/view/acastagneiss.wordpress.com
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. These are all done in simple photo editing apps on a smart phone- amazes me what tech is in our pockets! Here's a few images, if anyone wants to use, please ask first!