Hello Shari,
Thank you for sharing your experience here and asking for help.
I encourage you to continue posting and sharing here on these forums as much as is helpful to you, and I also want to offer you some resources that might be helpful to you in this process of recovery from a really big and difficult experience.
If it is helpful, I'd like to share that at one point with Ayahuasca I had a similar kind of horror trip that shook me so deeply to my core it took about a year to "recover". I spent much of that year contemplating my relationship with death, with other people, and with what I wanted to do with my life. For me, making art, doing yoga, hiking, talking with a therapist, talking with friends, and simply giving myself time were the most helpful ingredients in the healing process. When I look back on that experience, I would say that there are aspects of it that still scare me, but for the most part I am now grateful for being confronted with my deepest fears and for the time in "ordinary consciousness" to be with those fears while I'm alive.
I would agree with Rising Spirit that you took a very high dose of 5-MeO-DMT and what you're describing seems to be in line with very high dose experiences with psychedelics in general. One of the things that drove me to create this forum was to help prevent people from following the example of people like Martin Ball or Leo Gura who really push for the "Big Experience" and often miss the value in subtlety and in progressing slowly.
The good news is that the experience is over, and the overwhelming consensus of people who have had massive doses of 5-MeO-DMT is that with time they felt like they were able to come back to peace with the whole experience and with themselves.
Some resources that might be helpful to you:
https://firesideproject.org/ - This is a free hotline where you can talk to peer support people about your experience or the difficulties you're having after your experience.
https://psychedelic.support/ - This is a directory of licensed practitioners who are knowledgeable about psychedelics who can help support your process.
https://relationshipispsychedelic.com/ - An integration provider who has extensive experience with 5-MeO-DMT and has helped people integrate experiences similar to yours.
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