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Messages - Curador

 _/|\_ Glad you found some things helpfulCurador
It sounds like you sure did do it !!
I sent you a pm.  Apologies for the delay.
Welcome fellow traveler.  <3   So happy you're here... Joy!

Toad Experiences and Testimonials / Re: struggling atheist
September 16, 2019, 10:02:46 PM
A few medicines have been very helpful to me in that they have brought to light what I consider to be That which is eternal.  God or not 5MeO has shown me enough of an experience that I consider it god like or divine or what inspires religions.  It is the Clear Light.  Whether or not I am experiencing me as the creator in those moments really doesn't matter to me any more.  The experience renewed my faith in Life.  Life then continues as it does.

That said,  I have a group of friends who meet regularly for integration work and support.  We just share with each other like a group of folks in a 12 step meeting would.  The reality is that, as you have experienced, the "medicine" gives us an experience of bliss and then comes the harder work of letting go of the "old ideas" our minds want to hang on to.  I find the philosophies of non duality most helpful to me.  I like a particular popular Yogi called Sadhguru. 
I've found Kundalini very helpful with the use of 5MeO.
Thanks for being vulnerable and honest.  Tough stuff you are going through.  You aren't alone.  <3 Hang in there.

I agree about doing it with someone.  It's about harm reduction.  This is the most powerful entheogen I've experienced.  When in the experience, my body could be doing anything.  Fortunately, so far, I've been still.  Many do not remain still and can move about frantically.  I believe others will concur.
Glad you shared.  Be safe out there.
I hope your next journey is wonderful.

Greetings all seekers and curious about the continued discovery of Life...

THIS IS NOT A SUGGESTION TO DO 5MeO-DMT.  It is only my experience.  See disclaimer below my trip report.

For the second time in six months I've experienced a state of the sublime that has left me wondering...

As I prepared for my second journey with synthetic 5MeO-DMT apprehension was noticed then outright fear was what I observed as I set up a sacred space in our living room.  My wonderful spouse helped move the furniture and place a special rug in the center of the room. She would be my sitter this time which was also a source of some concern.  I was thoughtful to what she could possibly witness or have to do if things were not pleasant.  I oriented my yoga mat and pillow at the head to face the west.  The setting was complete.  Next, the music was set up to play.

Earlier I crushed some fresh mint and pressed it into the bowl of my small bong then sprinkled in the the nearly 15mg freebase crystal with another small amount of mint on top.  My original guide suggested this so as not to burn the crystal with an open flame which would render it useless.  I tamped it gently hoping it was not too much substrate.

I settled on the mat.  I looked at my wife and announced that I was scared. 

By now I had come to know the potential of this substance and the possible uncomfortable outcomes having seen too many awful videos and having read too many accounts of terrible experiences.  It made me question the reason for such experiences.  My hope was that these were largely brought on by the ego's inability to let go into the experience and the need for it to make sense and the ego's need to be aware through the entire process of the moments which occur.  It is my belief that annihilation must be the ego's greatest concern.

Since my first experience in May, (see if interested) I have read books, seen videos and spoken to experts in this work amd have come to an understanding of how much respect, integrity and intention would be best to go into the use of this true entheogen.  I also understood from them that the beauty and glory to be experienced and the essence of the oneness of the universe is also a repeatable phenomenon.

It was a mindful and purposeful day so far.  We had been to a yoga class in the morning, had a lunch together and had bonded some.  My heart was calm and somewhat open already and my mind was in a quiet space.  No matter what fear I did feel I yearned to that white space again and experience "That" which is all and the loving nature of what Is.  To have this experience had been on my heart and mind for about a month.  The timing, set and setting were all that I was waiting for.  September 10, 2019 would be my second coming, so-to-speak.

I started my ritual of settling my mind and becoming present to the moment we were in.  It isn't that I'm religious or look to idols but I have found the practice of some focusing activity like the one I'll describe to calm and focus my mind to the present.  As I focused my attention on "calling in the directions", something I learned doing "men's work", my wife sat and subtly started playing one of her singing bowls.  We both witnessed each other creating a container together for the first time in this manner.  I don't take that intention for granted.  I have a deeper appreciation for her as my partner.

I finished and asked her for silence.  She came closer, we looked in each other's eyes and I stated, "I'm scared" with a sheepish smile.  She smiled and acknowledged my fear and handed me the pipe.  She said.  "You just have to decide."  It was time.

Before I started I proposed that if it looked like I was struggling to have her place her hand gently on my forehead to ground me as my original guide professed during my first session.  She nodded in understanding.  She was calm and I sensed she was in this moment with me and no matter what, she had my back.

She held the bottom of the pipe as I started.  I fired the lighter and slowly heated the herb.  I drew slowly and steadily as the mint started to smoke.  I could see the red embers grow as I drew the smoke into the glass chamber.  I started to taste some of the 5MeO.  I thought I had gotten enough pulled the bowl and inhaled all the smoke from the chamber then let go of the pipe into her care.  I held my breath and laid back on the pillow.

I felt a buzzing sensation in my head and released the breath, though it would turn out to be too early.

I immediately felt fear vanish as my heart started slowing after beating strongly and rapidly in the beginning.  The thought, "how silly you are to be afraid" occurred to me.  I relaxed and felt a sense of safety.  I knew I hadn't gotten enough of a hit so I asked my wife for the pipe and sat back up to hit it again.  This time I took a much longer draw and the taste of crystal was much stronger.  I inhaled all I could.  Again, I let go of the pipe and layed back.  The sensations of vibration and heart opening rushed over me and were quickly overwhelming.  I felt the sense of me or I slip away and became an observer. 

It is a challenge to describe the experience from this point.  There was awareness during the entire journey but the perspective was like that of an observer.  The emotional state was that of overwhelming Gratitude, Joy and Love only.  It felt like the body was a vessel now and was moved to sing.  The music I used was Brian Eno, "Discreet Music".  "I" could hear the body singing "I love you" in harmony with the music as though that was the meaning of the notes in Eno's music.  The voice was very high like falsetto but felt totally natural and also as though it was singing through my body.  It was so foreign to hear.  It was soothing and felt as though it was not "my voice" but that of "The One" using my body to express it's nature.

The neck arched, head tilted back, mouth now wide, waves of Love and Joy surged through the whole body, the heart burst open, tears started to stream from the eyes.  Sounds emanated from deep within the body uttering "I love you" in song over and over as if the universe was singing the body as an instrument.  It sang my wife's name, my original guide's name, ecstasy was my being and the feeling of orgasm from everywhere was present.  (if you can imagine at the end of the movie "The Fifth Element"  That's kind of what it would look like)

My God... how... why... what is this purpose?  Gratitude... More sound through my body.

How beautiful the resonance of the sound and vibration moving through me.  Like being a singing bowl struck perfectly to create an ideal vibration harmonizing with all of existence.  No pain, no thought, no meaning-making-bullshit in my mind, only the riding of the experience and "being the note".  Awe to infinity.  Gratitude for the experience, again, in this life before I die and to live to express it to others so they might be inspired to seek more than the mundane our made up societies instill into us.  There is so much more.  We must slow down.  It is here for us all and does not cost a penny.  All that is required is the willingness to seek it.  It's true.

I knew I was not going to witness the pure light this time but it didn't matter.  This was so much more than enough.  As I started to descend the thought of taking another hit occurred but I resisted.  I don't know why.  I was sure there was more in the bowl but did not want to go further at that moment.  I was so content just to be.

I sat up.  I was in a simple cross legged position which felt natural and right at the time.  I started moving my limbs in a symmetrical fashion.  It seemed like QiGong.  I was like light.  Every movement of my body divine.  I moved slowly but without any thought of what I looked like.  I flowed like water or fire being ever so subtly moved by air or a divine breath. My consciousness looked at me and as I noticed I saw a reflection of crystal white and infinite black as a body, yin and yang... my mind shimmered. Tears flowed.  More gratitude.  "Fuck..." then elation.

I gently touched my face.  My hands were cool and dry.  My face felt warm and the sensation sent waves of gratitude for my life through my mind.  Awe...

By now I could feel my breath passing inside my body.  When I inhaled I noticed the inside of the center of my chest.  An idea emerged of embers from the intersection of my collar bones to my belly button. When I breathed in it was slow enough not to move a flame.  I observed the most exquisite sensation radiating throughout my torso.  It was like heat but what was stoked was the most profound sense of Love.  Imagine if you blew gently on a log attemtping to sweetly ignite a flame.  A new essence of sensation swept through my soul.  When I sat still and noticed this phenomenon it remained.  It reminded me of when yoga teachers announce to focus on the breathe, I thought, "this is what that means!, what idiots!, they don't know what they are talking about.  This is it!"  It's the gentleness though not just the breathing, it's how it feels as we do it.  Stillness is the key.  How it is so missed.  This is something I continue feel today as I write the experience and simply focus my attention on the breathing in this subtle and ever-so-slow manner.  It is akin to tasting the most delicious, sweetest nectar for the first time and what happens when we notice and appreciate the new experience.

Later, the realization occurred to me, how we continue to think we are moving slow enough to "see" to "experience" life.  I've not been able to do it on my own at this depth.  This miracle of a molecule takes me to a much higher level.  It slows my being down to "NOW" and allows me to experience it.  My thousands of hours of meditation has not been enough, so far.  Good God.  Good God.  Good God.

How can I be in this space without the use of this "Master Teacher"?  Will I ever "still" enough before this body dies?

I cannot say this is an experience of God but it is something so perfect that whatever created it must be smiling, if it can, when it notices us having it.  Angels must sing if there are such beings.  In the face of experience it doesn't matter if they exist or not.

It is an experience from which religions are born most likely.  That would make sense to me.

I was calm throughout and so grateful.  My wife appeared to me as a perfect angel when I sat up and we "eye gazed".  Wow, was she amazing, not moving, just noticing, and simply being there for me.  This is the ultimate act of love, to me, to sit quietly for another and be as still as possible.  I felt so grateful for her.  We were quiet for some time then I asked her to describe what she saw which validated where I was in my experience.

My intention was to experience Sacred and overwhelming Gratitude, Joy and Love coursing through this body in a way I have not otherwise.  Mission accomplished.  It happened and has validated that using 5MeO-DMT in this manner, for me, is possible to produce this affect.  It has allowed me to have a deeper connection with all of life as well as a deeper appreciation for Life.

It has left me wondering about our existence...

I wonder, why we, as a species, especially in the west, are so caught down in the everyday.

I wonder, how the perpetuation of the lie, "you have to..." is so strong and pervasive in our society and becoming more and more prevalent in the world.

I wonder, if the "conscious shift" will ever reach a point of "enough" souls to share a better more loving and kind collective dream of life.

I wonder, why I'm still here and what is there that I really "need" to do.

I wonder, if "yoga teachers" will ever slow down enough to start teaching yoga.

I wonder, why money is our god today and why we don't own that thought so we can change it.

I wonder about this kindness bestowed to me.

I wonder, what it will be like next time.

I wonder how there can be so much Gratitude, Joy and Love...

Til next time...

My experience may be unique and is definitely not everyones.  This entheogen is not for everyone.  This is not like other psychedelic substances I've encountered which last much longer and the "ego" is there every nanosecond of the ride.  It is the most powerful and overwhelming experience of surrendering consciously while aware I've ever known.  (I'm not suggesting it but...If you do decide it is for you then:  Seek out videos and reports of all experiences so you know what is possible.  Seek out those who have had many experiences with this substance and older experts who practice trans-personal psychology (my opinion only) if you are looking for healing.  I understand the unpleasant side because of what I've read and seen and heard from others directly or indirectly.  I'm not suggesting to do it but it would be wonderful if everyone who is seeking could have an experience like mine or more amazing and experience the same Sacred connection, ecstasy and wonder. I make up that it would change anyone's entire appreciation for our existence and Life itself. I am not suggesting to have an experience with 5MeO-DMT or any other substance.  Do research if you are seeking to have the experience.  There are only a few good, conscious and most importantly "selfless" practitioners out there.  Do your research and seek out what harm reduction means.  Do your research and see what it means to be a good facilitator, sitter, practitioner.  Money and Ego will NOT be part of the description. Don't be fooled into thinking a "shaman" or "guide" or some "authority figure" or "counselor" or "coach" is necessary to have the experience either. They will keep you safe.  Do your research. The molecule, 5MeO-DMT, is the Master here.  There is not a noticeable difference between the synthetic form or venom from Bufo Alvarius.  Don't use the venom.  These gentle creatures are endangered and should be left alone. This is not a suggestion to do 5MeO-DMT.

dose... approximately 15mg synthetic, freebase form, smoked from a bong placed in the bowl in layers of crushed mint leaf, 5MeO-DMT, crushed mint leaf, slow steady draw, hold breath to capacity, lay back and let go. (I took two hits this time.  the first was not enough)
I found this on Youtube and thought it to be very informative for those not familiar at all with psychedelics like moms and dads cuz the grandparents did them.  I'm sharing it everywhere...
This is a newer film which, IMO, is a great intro for those who might have never been introduced to psychedelics.

My experience of these substances is that they seem to magnify anything emotional or psychological I consider a shadow (something I'm not aware of or denying or not admitting).  They also seem to magnify more comfortable qualities too.

IME the higher the consciousness the more sensitive I am in all aspects of my life.  An example is I used to be very physically active and today need less rigorous exercise to benefit.  I also need less food especially if it's high quality.  Same with social gatherings.  I like calm environments today away from the frenetic nature of "normal" life.  High energy environments are like holding onto an electric wire.  IMO we are very sensitive creatures but are not taught such.  We are trained to "get over it" and "move on" no matter what.  IMO that is bullshit. 

When I addressed my anxiety and thoughts like yours I was still doing a lot of intense release work in a men's group where a safe container is created and participants are safely able to physically, and verbally and emotionally express that "energy" in whatever way felt right.  What I found was that when I expressed it the feelings and thoughts moved on.  The reason for them seemed less important.  I've heard some say, "why is the booby prize".

I don't know your answer but keep asking and perhaps you will hear something that will resonate with you.  I've always found a community of loving, supportive others to be helpful.  IME the delusion is that I am an island.  The truth is I am "that" as are you.

Quote from: uncletedly on June 25, 2019, 03:03:27 PM
Using 5, one can have a peek at unity consciousness but one comes back to where they were after a short time. The real work is to drop the reliance on thoughts and beliefs and be able eventually to hang out in the space prior to thought. No amount of any substance will do this work for you. Sorry, no instant gratification.

I agree that some type of practice would be best before and after.  When watching videos of first-timers who are relatively young, say less than 35, it makes me wonder what self awareness practice they may have about them and what it will be like for them after this big opening.                                                                                               

I was not able to experience a full release prior to my experience with 5.  I have had many experiences in that direction through different types of "work" and stillness practice.  I am hopeful to be able to have another 5 experience soon but with the synthesized substance. 

I am less interested in the toad venom since I already see too many frenzied posts in other forums from those without a clue wanting to capture toads and milk them when it rains.
Quote from: d.a.t.s. on June 06, 2019, 06:00:11 AM

I am also interested to hear from others who may have had non-dual experiences with both entheogens and revealed through non-entheogenic means. Some time ago, a spiritual teacher who I respect well for his lucidity, lack of BS, and simplicity implied that objective consciousness has varying depths/states of awareness. He made no further discussion of this matter, leaving it to the 'student' to discover for oneself. He was always very cautious of not giving students engaged in the Work of self-observation (e.g., unraveling their existing beliefs, ideals, etc.) fodder for new beliefs. In essence, 'replacing old bricks in the wall of Self with new stones.'

Listening to Martin Ball comment on 5-MEO, he states with confidence that the 5-MEO experience is a state of Oneness which cannot be replicated through spiritual work. When I expressed this to a friend deeply experienced in spiritual work, he dismissed Ball and implied that generations of people have 'awakened' to non-dual realization through non-entheogenic means (not to mention spontaneous awakenings, such as Eckhart Tolle). I personally have experienced the truth of my friend's statement. But I don't dismiss Ball either. If there are indeed varying depths to the experience on non-dual perception, it seems there may be a difference in how that state of awareness is induced and I suspect it has to do somehow with two related things:
To put it simply, I agree with Ball in that this is not spiritual.  Some will attach spiritual beliefs to it.  Anyone who wants to have it and can relax and trust the experience should be able to experience a full release given the set, setting and right dosage.  That, based on my own experience and what I've read and watched so far, which is becoming quite a bit but I've just started really.

I am "that" which you are.

I know nothing.

Poetry and Art / Re: Pupil of Bufo Alvarius toad
June 09, 2019, 08:42:11 PM
Quote from: VedicPaul on September 16, 2018, 10:27:05 PM
Taken near my home in the McDowell Mountains of Arizona. Canon MP-E 65 macro lens/MT-24EX speed lite
That is as infinite looking as the white space I experienced. 

Small world.  The Gateway is on of my favorite places to photograph.  Haven't seen any toads after rains there...yet.
@Rising Spirit:QuoteOn all four of my journeys, the fully conscious whiteout experience was wholly repeatable.  The molecule takes away my fixation of being a finite self with a defined, subjective perspective.  The pure magic of this most sacred of medicines, is that it gifts the state of mind in which no thought exists, yet awareness leftists with new parameters.  Lots of psychonaut go blank when this kind of a shift in perception blooms, leaving no memory of the peaking moments. Endquote
I'm really pleased to see your note.  I've been busy in other forums and this is more validation for this experience.  I continue to be blown away and do my best not to think about all the secrecy around this for thousands of years.  It, frankly, pisses me off if I go there.  Then I sit quietly, close my eyes and go back to that room...Life then seems as it should be because it is.

I am fascinated by documentation about many different religions using some type of substance to help create this experience. We, human beings, in our arrogance, step on the fact that we are part of nature and not superior to it.  Our need to see our place in nature is inherent to elevate our "humanity" to a higher level of stewardship of life on this planet if we are to be sustained on it.  It is not unlike figuring out that eating certain foods will help bones grow, certain teas affect liver detoxing but when it comes to the brain and elevated states of conscious awareness it's just someone's imagination. 

It's good to be here.
Every thinking creature has a soveriegn right to practice their relationship with their perceived creator outside of an organized religion, dogma or someone elses vision of a creator. 

Why is this not our experience?
Thank you for sharing Abrelosojos.
I can't agree more about the need to be in good hands and feel safe.
I appreciate your candor and detail of your experiences.  It's helpful for me to see the range of possible experiences just with this substance.  I'm curious like Terrence McKenna in wondering if we had the ability to share in detail our visions what similar landscapes would we find?  Can they be counted on being there?  Seems there more than a few similarities.

As I said before you seem to be working hard.  Remember to be gentle in there too. <3
Yes, the loved ones.  One thing about my 12 step work I've tried to remember is that it's a program of attraction rather than promotion.  When the difference in us is so positive others don't want to be left behind and usually find their own way or go away but either way is as it will be and okay.
Kind regards...