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Introduction post/terrifying first breakthrough

Started by Jona, May 20, 2022, 01:34:02 PM

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Hi everyone, I'm Jonathan (jona for short). Over the past years I've been experimenting with low doses of LSD, truffles, and 2c-b. It's been a wild ride that has changed my perspective on life, but I find myself falling into old patterns time and time again. I've realised that this isn't something that a substance can fix by itself and I've been starting to meditate, take better care of myself, and seek therapy

I am still exceedingly curious about the psychedelic realm and the possibilities that these substances offer us. I'm currently pursuing a MSc. In biochemistry, and it's a long term dream of mine to relate the wild variety of subjective trip reports with the scientific structure and receptor activation patterns of these substances. I fully expect that we will not be able to explain the beautiful mystery that is consciousness through receptor patterns alone, but I believe that pushing this[size=78%] boundary will raise even more interesting questions. [/size]

About 5-meo: I've impulsively bought 1g of powder r
2 months ago and dissolved it into 4 ml of e-liquid to put into a mod vape. At first I took it slow and experimented with temperature and airflow etc, and with this setup even the tiniest hit already causes visual hallucinations. I took one large toke a months ago and I remember hearing a sort of static noise and feeling tingles all over my body and on the inside of my head. Afterward I felt like I was trapped in an infinite void, with just enough awareness left to realise that I used to be a person before that. I don't remember much outside of the blackness and distinctly thinking 'fuck, I used to be such a promising boy with hopes and dreams, and now I've permanently fried my brains' I screamed out loud at my own stupidity and felt an immense sadness and terror at the fact that this was were my life ended. Upon returning to earth I was shaky and nauseous and immensely grateful to be alive. I spent 10 minutes rubbing the floor saying' I love you' to myself, but the terror of the experience stayed with me. For a few weeks afterwards I repeatedly woke up with panic attacks in the middle of the night, because the sensation of falling asleep reminded me of entering that void and losing myself. Only after I realised that I had been isolating myself from my friends and overloading myself with work to avoid processing the experience did I start improving.

I was ashamed to tell my friends about the experience because I felt I had been irresponsible and I believed I was strong enough to deal with it myself. Instead, I wasn't dealing with it and simply ignoring it. Once I dropped 2 subjects in school and actually took the time to relax a bit did I stop waking up in terror.

Several of my friends also have psychedelic experience (no 5meo, but several nndmt experiences) and they were able to help me start processing the experience. One source that also really helped me was the book 'darkness shining wild' by Robert augustus masters. It details his experience of an even worse 5-meo overdose and the resulting psychosis that took him years to recover from. The book contains beautiful excerpts from contemporary philosophy, psychology and spirituality and it explores the meaning of self, death, and transcendence. It is a beautiful life changing read even if you haven't had a terrifying experience with 5-meo

(apologies as this post has turned out to be a somewhat incoherent rant, but I'm very much still busy with reorganising my own thoughts and understanding what has happened. Writing this out has mostly been for my own therapeutic benefit, but if any of you have had a similar experience that you want to share or ask questions about, please feel free :)


Welcome to the forum, and I'm sorry to hear you've had such a difficult experience. We have a whole section on integration support. Definitely check it out and consider posting your experience so that others can benefit from your experience.

Wishing you all the best,