Author Topic: Hi I am Pan  (Read 377 times)

Offline Pan

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Hi I am Pan
« on: July 25, 2018, 05:41:23 AM »
Hello I'm Pan


I'm from Belgium and had a couple of experiences with ayahuasca prior to my first experience with 5-Meo-DMT through Toad Venom administered and facilitated by Octavio Rettig during such an ayahuasca retreat 4 years ago.
The experience was horrific as I was unprepared to the fast nature of this experience. I had the idea of it being as a n,n,DMT experience. How wrong I was! I was in for a nasty surprise. They told me I had to do it again but I refused since I believed I died due to an allergic response, overdose or contra-indication somehow since I've drunk ayahuasca the day before. Also OR poured water in the mouth, I experienced suffocation and to this date I do not know if the absence of breathing is due to his water pouring or is a part of the experience netherless. I was sucked into a black void with something evil inside that wanted to took my energy, my soul, my life,... whatever. People told me afterwards it is my mpind and I was stuck in the limbo between this world and the other. It was scary and it learned me the true definition of the word hooror & total dismay. The day after I refused to have magic mushrooms at first but under peer pressure took the whole dose which made things worse. So after all that I held on for a week with nasty reactivations, no sleep, weeks of hyperventilation, being sucked in black the void anytime I almost slept. After that week I went to hospital and they kept me for 2 months with their pills with their own contra-indications (depression and more anxiety). One pill (seroquel) even caused reactivations from time to time. :-\


After years of grounding (I'm practicing wicca) and yoga and more I'm better now. But it took me years. Too much entheogens is not good: 2x ayahuasca, toad (cfr Octavio 50-75mg) and then psilocybine mushrooms: too much.
This saddens me much since my environment where I worked to get them more open minded to psychedelics turned their backs (some open, some more subtily) to me. I have no good words for Octavio regarding his technique since I know there's a more gentle approach (with less of a dose too). Back than there was no support, no aftermath, no fora like this and no FB groups: I was left to my own. I felt as a lab rat who took a drug no one knew about and was fairly new and the hospital spared no effort to emphasize this ('so he will not do it again', they believe) making it worse for me. Their avoidance war on drugs therapeutic technique went so far they told me to forget about spirituality alltogether. I refused and told runnning away and surpressing symptoms is not the way of dealing with trauma. Docters though only lisen to themselves, not the silly patients who took 'drugs'.


In 2016 I took magic truffles, a very low dose of the weakest kind (7gr fresh mexican truffles). It was a full prychedelic experience, a good one but the nausea was an issue for me. Maybe because I am too much in the ayahuasca mindset? I'm still looking for the best way to avoid nausea if possible. The experience dealt with the trauma in a good way and reseloved much of it. This year I took a microdose of magic truffle (no trip) and it again dealt with resurging anxiety (over other subjects) again.


I whish I can do the toad again, now starting with a much lower dose to be at peace with it. I hope though I would not be sucked in the psychedelic black hole again. I have some of it in house and a vaporizer (glass pipe+torch) or V5 Nano vape (normally for my weed). In the case of the latter I wonder about the temperature of toad venom to vaporize. Of course a friend will be tripsitting and the dose I'd take would be as low as 5mg toad for starters (or 1/15th of my 'beginner's dose). I see on vids how Octavio is still water pouring and electrifying people, so I'd never trust him again as facilitator apart from the experience because no matter how scary it was, it was also a learning experience. It was death AND rebirth. Only I was too scared and getting waterboarded to fully have that rebirth experience.


I really wonder how people cope with the speed of the onset without panicking and have the run-for-survival instinct kicking in.


Anyway my belief in psycehdelics as tools to spiritual growth, to end addiction (and OCD traits) never went away. I only have a hate-love relationship due to the nausea caused and the possibility of a bad trip due to that black void experience. I also believe that I am much more sensitive to psycho-active substances since my toad experience.


I've read a lot and I have much more preparation in this. I hope to learn even more on this forum and by talking with more people about this. I have met many beautiful people online and in real life too.


Thanks in advance
Pan

Offline HumbleVoyager

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Re: Hi I am Pan
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2018, 09:48:45 AM »
Hello Pan, thank you for joining us here.

I'm sorry to hear about your negative experience with Octavio. It has been said by many that his methods are indeed very rough and oftentimes dangerous for participants, leaving people with very difficult times trying to integrate.

I hope that in your time here you will find support as you work on integration and can give support to others trying to integrate the big experiences that this substance can induce.

Low doses seem to go a much longer way with this medicine.