Author Topic: Hello!  (Read 134 times)

Offline Suitable_Intention

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Hello!
« on: March 15, 2019, 09:49:46 PM »
Hi,


I've never tried toad before. I've used aya and psilocybin for personal work (with varying degrees of success, mostly low degrees), however I am committed to the path. I will have the opportunity in May if I can scrape the funds together in time, and I'm scared shitless but for some reason it feels right; I've been needing to find some sort of "not-going-backness" in my life and sort of feel stuck and confused in a lot of ways about what's most important and about how to simplify my life and my internal work. They say the toad comes to you, and it is most definitely coming to me.


Some people tell me that "it doesn't have to be hard", but I suspect to a certain extent it does and I know deep down I need a more solid reason to keep doing the hard work. Just loads of doubt and confusion and stagnation really.


I've read the big three works by Martin W. Ball and also Tryptamine Palace by Oroc. Doesn't make me any more intrepid though.


A lot of days I'm fine. Today I'm a bit irritable because I've been meditating more lately and I guess its bringing stuff to the surface and garbling the message I'm trying to convey.


Anyways, that'll do for the moment.


Toadles!
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 09:53:06 PM by Suitable_Intention »

Offline HumbleVoyager

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Re: Hello!
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2019, 05:14:05 PM »
Welcome! Hopefully this forum can be a good source of support as you find your way on your path. Do you have any forms of therapeutic support set up as part of your process?

Offline Suitable_Intention

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Re: Hello!
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2019, 09:31:48 PM »
(Copy-pasted from elsewhere)

Toad.

Words, obviously, cannot fathom the immense possibilities that lay inside this experience; suffice to say it is THE tool for remembering, for tapping into deeply hidden soul memory that may have escaped encoding into mental memory.

I was only able to get 3/4 of the full release dose into me as I neglected to do the breathing exercises that would have prepared my slightly mapacho-weakened lungs for the massive feat required, and thus was unable to penetrate into full non-duality, but the upward journey was incredibly profound and so astonishingly familiar, as though my soul has done this countless times before and was simply remembering what it was like to walk this path through consciousness.

I think it was James Oroc who said that while DMT works on the third eye chakra, which is ultimately dualistic, self-other orientated and therefore visual, 5-MeO-DMT (as is present in the toad venom) works primarily on the crown chakra, which eschews duality entirely and reconnects one with the god-stream of oneness and extracts information from the blockages therein. At least, that is how I could conceptualise my own experience.

So it was not visionary, as most other tryptamines are, but a deeply embodied remembering that penetrated far deeper than any other tryptamine has been able to do so far.

It showed me just how deeply I am a product of my repressed experiences; how almost everything about my defilement is an expression of a multi-dimensional pattern of behaviours, thoughts and emotions that were too bizarre and confusing to be able to be properly encoded in my explicit memory, and how the expression of that defilement differs from that of he who defiled me in regard to the other energetic dynamics of my astrology, upbringing, and whatever else plays into my experience of reality.

I don't feel "transformed". The "processing" or "integration" of this experience is something that probably will happen quite underneath the surface, as quite a lot of the experience and the ways my mind tried to understand it are quite lost to the stream that I entered. What I do know now more than I did is how astronomical the task before me is.

I reaffirm in a more complex and nuanced way that I picked this life because I was ready and experienced enough to bear solemn witness to the fog of amnesia in order to have a reference point to penetrate deeper into The Mystery and discover my powerful role in it.

One of the most astonishing aspects of this experience is how natural and normal it felt. I feel no hesitation about taking another dive and being prepared to go deeper on the next occasion. I usually feel quite confronted by the idea of consuming tryptamines and thus usually don't get around to setting aside the time for them. But 5-MeO-DMT feels so amazingly right, which tweaks my mind to ask itself it is being cocky.

I don't understand the dynamic enough to know whether it is imperative to penetrate down to unity-consciousness and let the remembering stem from that point, or whether to continue with moderate doses until there is somehow an indicator that penetrating into oneness is called for. All I know is that my soul yearns for more 5-MeO-DMT to continue the flushing of my energetic system.

An iboga facilitator suggested I microdose with iboga during the toad in order to bring the experience more into the body, but I felt that my first time should be as pure as possible so I can understand the medicine better. It is entirely possible that my relationship with the Amazonian mapacho tobacco protected me from the 'scarier' aspects of the remembering. But perhaps that is divinely ordained. Perhaps my mind wants to have a square aim on the "whats" and "hows" and "whens" of the bugaboo before it can feel on-board to bear solemn witness to the emotions behind them. Maybe, just maybe, that is okay for the moment.

So much of my immense energetic power has been inadvertently spent on holding this incredibly dense energetic system down. Perhaps I have found "my medicine"; perhaps the reason I have made such slow progress on my medicine path is that I have been waiting for the right sacrament that is powerful enough to blast into the stickiest, most hidden cobwebs in the crawl-spaces of my childhood and simultaenously reveal to me more and more of the power waiting for me underneath the realisation of my true god-nature.

Moving forward, I know that the most important task ahead of me is to continue to direct the energies of my defilement inward rather than projecting them outward. This will slowly allow me to stop protecting myself from the truth. If I do not feed it, I will allow it to come to the surface. It is a dance. A dance of witnessing and failing to witness, of gradual detachment, and of saying YES to a deeper knowing of this incredible power inside of me.