Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine...

[Rising Spirit]

It had been almost exactly two calendar years since my inaugural voyage with the enigmatic God molecule, 5-MeO-DMT...  and this my ninth journey, I imbibed the largest amount of the sacrament yet, 13mg freebase.  The set and setting were nearly identical, as it was a gloriously sunny summer day with blue skies and puffy white clouds lazily floating across the sky.  I felt carefree, excited and most inspired...  and that is quite an understatement.  The crickets and cicadas were singing their enchanting summer songs and dragon flies drifted upon the easy summer breeze.  Birds chipped along in flawless harmony.  I felt ready to offer myself to the immense force of the medicine, ready to sacrifice my dreamscape to the undifferentiated power of the infinite Godhead...  like a tiny air bubble, effortlessly washed away by the force of a raging river.  Or perhaps so much cosmic dust, blown into the beyondest of beyonds?  "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." 

Admittedly, this is always VERY terrifying.  Right?  I don't care how much experience one has with other entheogens, 5-MeO is the pinnacle.  In my own journeys, this is as close to dying as I've encountered with any psychedelic substance before.  There is always the sense of actual physical death and it is coupled with the understanding that nothing of my dream of existence was ever real.  I, you, us, them...  none of it was ever real at all.  Sentience is impermanent and is a mirage of sorts.  If so, had by whom?  We may never know.  Some things defy encapsulation.  But who doesn't love a good mystery?  Well, I suspect that you all intuit what I am getting at.  Near death experiences without powerful psychedelic catalysts are much the same but from my own dramatic experience of drowning in a swimming pool, as a young boy, it is radically less explosive.  But since I didn't actually expire permanently, I can't say with any modicum of certainty that it doesn't accelerate to such a state.  No one can ever return to tell us, anyway.

Obviously, the greatest impact of the Sacred Medicine left me in a vacuum, an entirely entranced focus, one without even the sense if being an observer to the experience unfolding.  Still, upon partial re-coalescence, an immense wealth of omniversal knowledge cascaded into my newly forming subjectivity.  It was like a profound remembrance.  An epiphany which topped any epiphany I'd ever gleaned.  There was this timeless presence which eluded my sense of origin or direction.  After all, when the inside and the outside are identical, it is impossible to contextualize anything nor grasp any quantifiable concept or meaning about such mysterious states of perception.  That being said, an ancient voice was singing a song which contained the entirety of everything, while remaining fixed within it's forever enigmatic no-thingness.  AUM... out from the roaring silence, AUM.  I am here now.  I am awake within this beginningless, endless moment. I always have been.

It dawned upon my infantile ability to think at all, that such a remembrance was the whole purpose for my existence.  It had been all along.  It is fundamentally all of our purpose for existing.  I seemed to comprehend that I chose to be here.  We all do, in a nutshell.  I don't know why and nobody can truly ever know why.  It just is as it is.  We naturally, are here because we decided that we are to be here now.  A very long journey of awakening had now crested for this mortal dreamer.  A notion arose that there is no reason that we appear out of an absolute realm of supreme void.  Some things just transcend reason.  Ergo, the universe recreates itself in an unbridled, spontaneous manner.  The entirety of the cosmos, both microcosmic and macrocosmic, blooms out of itself.  Who can say why?  And I suspect that we each, likewise, blossom of this same nondual field, this very same source.  It's a bit like finding oneself back in the womb, but preparing to give birth to oneself.  Does that make any sense? 

I began to feel saved, if you will.  Gratitude filled me completely.  I felt a pristine love, self-obliterating one like no other kind of love I have tasted.  Rather, the degree that I was experiencing love was far greater and far more intoxicating than I'd heretofore ever had.  Complete unity without division.  I would never feel alone again, as I was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was quintessentially, all one.  "I and my God are one."  Taking this one conclusion further, it became palpable that while I myself, as a separate part of the whole, was a cognitive illusion of sorts, playing hide and seek with myself...  the Divine was not illusory in any way.  It is the only reality, cleverly hidden within everything else.  The Omniself resides in complete resplendense and always shall.  Therefore, the only thing of reality was our core essence residing within the Unified Field. This brought on a flood of tears and like a waterfall, a cascadence of ecstasy beyond anything I had ever known.  This "cascadence" poured down from the highest plane I am able to conceive of and flooded my mind's heart with the kind of euphoria that I hadn't imagined in my wildest dreams.

Yes, I have had this experience of Amrita before.  It is gifted to the thirsty human spirit from the epicentrical Source.   It always seems to settle in the heart and spill over into the entirety of one's being.  I was at last, inextricably home!  I had finally realized both my purpose and my own small destiny.  I fell forwards in deepest humility and thanked God with all of my rapidly re-crystallizing urgency.  I vowed to live more consciously, to live far more earnestly, with more focussed attention and to abide in deeper harmony with the entire universe at play.  I lovingly thank you all for sharing this world and the intertwined strings of our ever expanding dreamscapes together. 

Sat Chit Ananda. 
 

[Rising Spirit]

While I composed this trip report yesterday, the occurence happened one month ago on August 10th.  It has taken me four weeks to ground the experience  and translate much of the dynamic into written language.  Here and there, over the last month, I jotted down memories and impressions.  While these "snippets" are fragmentary...  they still vibrate with the ineffable energy of 5-MeO-DMT.  I'd like to post s few of them here now, as an accompaniment to the more rationally composed posting seated above.  Okay?   

Just a few odd snippets:

"One long slow inhalation and a deep pause...  then rapidly skyrocketing into an immense field of undifferentiated energy, pulsing in unison with my drumming heartbeat, opening a portal into infinite light, as I dissolve into the effulgent heartbeat of the void.  I had the sensation of falling out of myself.  Or was it far deeper into myself?  I felt the immediate need to crouch forward in the yogic tortoise pose, for I could scarcely tell up from down but still held on the the idea of having a physical form.  One that might topple the wrong way and potentially get hurt.  Seconds afterwards I had no feeling of being with the 3rd dimension.  No cognizance of existing within the time-space-continuum or of being human.  I was aware only of the high frequency vibration and the neon whiteness absorbing me into it's immaterial fulcrum.  I couldn't even question to myself if I even existed at all."

"As the geyser-like force propelled my consciousness higher and higher, I was ripped suddenly from my ordinary ego mesmerism.  Now I was experiencing a blindingly white flood of immeasurable energy.  It consumed me in a matter of a handful of passing moments.  I floated within an effulgent vortex of absolute formlessness for what felt like days, weeks, years...  if not even whole series of lifetimes (shuffled like a deck of cards within ancient, yet, unborn and infantile hands)!  While this sensation overwhelmed my rapidly shifting awareness, I was being incrementally washed away by an omnipresent, oceanic presence.  I harnessed my intent , overcame my fears and released myself willingly.  I have used the analogy of an Alka Seltzer tablet bubbling and dissolving within a glass of water, in the past before, and while silly on many levels, it is accurate in my experiences.  It seems most apt at describing the energetic dissolution of the fragile human ego-self, under the potent spell of this sacrament."

"I humbly suggest, that if there has been anything of true value gained from over 45 years of formal sitting meditation, it is the gradual capacity to hold silent witness to immaterial realms of existential reality.  The attunement developed to keep an unwavering point of focussed concentration upon sheer emptiness and the bloom of incorporial energies.  That being said, even one's individual subjectivity is pretty much erased from the immensity of the 5-MeO experience.  I personally find it rather impossible to keep myself centered within the unitive, nondual and simultaneously, try to encapsulate that expansive state with human wording or effectively describe the undifferentiated field of the Infinite.  One cannot be both indivisible consciousness and be an objective, separate observer.  When the eclipsing is anointed, everything finite and tangible melts into the blinding luminosity of the Clear Light of The Void...  gone like so much charred ash blown away in a gust of ineffable wind."

"The sequence and duration of the eclipsing must have ensued for some time.  It turns out it was close to forty-five minutes, as clocks and digital devices measure such things.  That being said, it felt like an eternity in the making, yet, the buzzing rush also existed without any iota of time or conversely, of timelessness.  The primordial now.  Eventually, from far, far away it came echoing...  I Am.  Am I?  Yes. That is all I knew, I Am.  Who am I?  What am I?  What I felt I was...  was wholly indeterminable, all I knew was that I existed within the innermost, epicentrical core of everything...  yet, I was fundamentally no-thing at all. I now feel that in our deepest vital center, we are all fundamentally impossible to limit or contain, let alone to even grasp.  We are each and all of us, also entirely enigmatic phenomena." 

"Perhaps the greatest paradox is that to be centered within the indivisible  state...  one needs to release one's separation from the oneness.  I have gone very close to the blindingly bright effulgence of the peak, several times but as my mind and very selfhood stops...  there comes a point of either observing the phenomenon or being the phenomenon.   When the last veil is torn asunder, an infinite pause takes place within the pilgrim's entirety of being.  Within such a vast and empty void...  there are no selves.  Not even Christ consciousness or Buddha Mind are allowed to fracture the unbroken unity.  It is herein that the Divine spirit is born anew, reborn as a timeless, substanceless pulsation.  Almost like the beating of a heart?"

"A turning point began to reveal itself and the free and undifferentiated consciousness that I Am, gradually became denser and still denser, until there was once more, a witness to the sacred vision.  An entity capable of feeling ecstasy and deep gratitude..   I had returned from existentially being a light so bright it cannot see itself, to an enraptured lover of the living presence of God.  My mind's heart was enshrined with a concentration of love so great it almost seems to yearn for release and self expression.  And so, I became myself again and cried tears of profound thanks and a resolve for lasting spiritual redemption.  Or so it seems from this side of the looking glass."